Seeking advice from parents (for a non-parent)

[Rallyomalley]

First: I'm typing on mobile so apologies for misspellings, grammar, and syntax errors.

Second: If this is the wrong forum, sorry again, but it happened at KI so that's where I put it.  Feel free to move it to off-topic if needed.

Background: We're married, childless, and  in our mid and late 30s.  Our interaction and exposure to children is extremely limited.  None of our combined 5 siblings have children either.  So suffice it to say we're clueless.  We witnessed the activity I'm about to describe yesterday (Friday) at the park and both my wife and I were disturbed and unsure of how we should've reacted.  Please don't criticize our lack of reaction and inaction, I'm genuinely seeking advice on how to appropriately respond should a similar situation occur in the future.

Situation: (I'm going to try to be as PC as possible here).

A group of 4 teenaged young ladies were on the same ride path that my wife and I were on.  3 of them were obviously very good friends, walking together, laughing, etc.  They also thought their stuff didn't stink and constantly made comments about how popular, great, pretty they were.  The 4th young lady was a bit frumpier and hung back a short distance from the other 3.  At each ride, the group of 3 tossed their purses, bags, drinks, belongings to the 4th girl and directed her to sit and wait while they rode.  

We noticed that the 4th girl didn't get to ride anything as she was holding the stuff for the rest of the group.  We ended up directly behind the group of 3 girls at Delirium and overheard some of the most cruel, unkind, and disgusting comments that we later found out were directed at the 4th girl. (More on that later).  They attacked her looks, what she was wearing, how they were able to boss her around, her lack of social skills, you name it.  It was appalling behavior.  Then one of the girls said, "if I was like Amy (not her real name) I'd kill myself." That crossed the line for me and I made a loud comment (loud enough that I was sure they would overhear) about how sad I was that I had just buried a high school classmate and friend.  I did not know at that time that Amy (name changed) was the 4th girl.

Fast forward to Firehawk and my wife decided to sit out while I rode.  As I walk up the exit path after my ride, I see my wife sitting next to the 4th young lady and engaged in conversation.  My wife gives me the "give me a minute" look and I pass by for another lap.  After my reride my wife is sitting alone.  The 4th girls "friends" had finished their ride and moved on.

My wife then proceeded to detail the conversation she'd had with Amy (not her real name).  It was heart-breaking.  "Amy" wanted to ride, but her "friends" didn't want to ride with her.  Her "friends" didn't want her to walk with them, that's why she hung back.  My wife obviously did not repeat what we had overheard and said she tried to offer an upbeat, positive message about how "things will get better."

When my wife told me the young lady's name is when everything clicked that it was her that the other 3 girls were making fun of and making those hateful comments about. We made a few laps around the park hoping we would run into them but we did not see them again.

It's been on both our minds for the better part of the weekend and it was pretty upsetting for my wife.  She said she was in a similar situation once growing up and had some confidence issues because of it.

My initial reaction was anger.  I couldn't believe how cold and callous those 3 girls were.  After discussing it at length with my wife we agreed that "Amy" was definitely and intentionally being bullied by those other girls.

Here are  my questions:

-how should we have intervened / offered support for "Amy" without trespassing on parental territory?

-I know the optics of a middle aged married couple befriending a teenager could be viewed in a bad light, I'm not talking about making friends or hanging out with the person. I'm asking about at what point it is appropriate for a non parent to intervene in a situation similar to what I've described and what is the appropriate interventon?

I guess what I'm looking for is for you parents to offer some advice for how you'd want a stranger to intervene/help/stand up if your child were ever in a similar situation.

Sorry for the novel.

[Stoan]

Not sure this is specific to advice from parents. It's a generally crap situation. Not overly uncommon either from what i understand. I have two girls, both too young to be in this situation.

To your points:

1 - it's something you directly shouldn't intervene with. Personally if you butt in as an outsider it most likely would make it worse. Amy just seems more helpless and useless that she needed some random to stand up for her. Any needs to resolve this situation herself.

2 - physical bullying is when you step in. Emotional maybe if the remarks are getting inappropriate to the general public. Loud name calling, curse words and such I'd tell them to shut it if little kids were nearby. But like i said above, you can't step in to help Amy, only to diffuse to general crudeness.

If you see the parents of any of the girls you tell them, they aren't randos.

However bring the jackanape i am. If Amy truly was left alone with purses while the other girls rode. I'd try to convince her to lock the purses in a locker and walk off. Maybe they'd learn to take care of their own crap.

 

Ps, this probably is the wrong area in the forum

[LuvingKI]

8 hours ago, Rallyomalley said:

First: I'm typing on mobile so apologies for misspellings, grammar, and syntax errors.

Second: If this is the wrong forum, sorry again, but it happened at KI so that's where I put it.  Feel free to move it to off-topic if needed.

Background: We're married, childless, and  in our mid and late 30s.  Our interaction and exposure to children is extremely limited.  None of our combined 5 siblings have children either.  So suffice it to say we're clueless.  We witnessed the activity I'm about to describe yesterday (Friday) at the park and both my wife and I were disturbed and unsure of how we should've reacted.  Please don't criticize our lack of reaction and inaction, I'm genuinely seeking advice on how to appropriately respond should a similar situation occur in the future.

Situation: (I'm going to try to be as PC as possible here).

A group of 4 teenaged young ladies were on the same ride path that my wife and I were on.  3 of them were obviously very good friends, walking together, laughing, etc.  They also thought their stuff didn't stink and constantly made comments about how popular, great, pretty they were.  The 4th young lady was a bit frumpier and hung back a short distance from the other 3.  At each ride, the group of 3 tossed their purses, bags, drinks, belongings to the 4th girl and directed her to sit and wait while they rode.  

We noticed that the 4th girl didn't get to ride anything as she was holding the stuff for the rest of the group.  We ended up directly behind the group of 3 girls at Delirium and overheard some of the most cruel, unkind, and disgusting comments that we later found out were directed at the 4th girl. (More on that later).  They attacked her looks, what she was wearing, how they were able to boss her around, her lack of social skills, you name it.  It was appalling behavior.  Then one of the girls said, "if I was like Amy (not her real name) I'd kill myself." That crossed the line for me and I made a loud comment (loud enough that I was sure they would overhear) about how sad I was that I had just buried a high school classmate and friend.  I did not know at that time that Amy (name changed) was the 4th girl.

Fast forward to Firehawk and my wife decided to sit out while I rode.  As I walk up the exit path after my ride, I see my wife sitting next to the 4th young lady and engaged in conversation.  My wife gives me the "give me a minute" look and I pass by for another lap.  After my reride my wife is sitting alone.  The 4th girls "friends" had finished their ride and moved on.

My wife then proceeded to detail the conversation she'd had with Amy (not her real name).  It was heart-breaking.  "Amy" wanted to ride, but her "friends" didn't want to ride with her.  Her "friends" didn't want her to walk with them, that's why she hung back.  My wife obviously did not repeat what we had overheard and said she tried to offer an upbeat, positive message about how "things will get better."

When my wife told me the young lady's name is when everything clicked that it was her that the other 3 girls were making fun of and making those hateful comments about. We made a few laps around the park hoping we would run into them but we did not see them again.

It's been on both our minds for the better part of the weekend and it was pretty upsetting for my wife.  She said she was in a similar situation once growing up and had some confidence issues because of it.

My initial reaction was anger.  I couldn't believe how cold and callous those 3 girls were.  After discussing it at length with my wife we agreed that "Amy" was definitely and intentionally being bullied by those other girls.

Here are  my questions:

-how should we have intervened / offered support for "Amy" without trespassing on parental territory?

-I know the optics of a middle aged married couple befriending a teenager could be viewed in a bad light, I'm not talking about making friends or hanging out with the person. I'm asking about at what point it is appropriate for a non parent to intervene in a situation similar to what I've described and what is the appropriate interventon?

I guess what I'm looking for is for you parents to offer some advice for how you'd want a stranger to intervene/help/stand up if your child were ever in a similar situation.

Sorry for the novel.

I have 3 teenagers... if I knew mine was doing that I would go off on them for hours and days.... but probably nothing you can do... life is full of **** and sadness and all you can hope is for the fourth girl Is life gets better.

[chuck norris]

First, you did the right thing.

If you see something, say something. Abuse doesn't have to escalate to physical to get involved.

Second, there shouldn't be any concern about over stepping "parental rights"... Many parents aren't "good parents"... Having kids doesn't make someone more qualified to help a child. Parents who leave their kids (even teens) alone at the park are temporarily suspending their parental influence.

 

My only advice would have been to do exactly what your wife did sooner. Sit one out and talk to her. I agree that confronting the bullies likely isn't going to help.. Although I think I would have tried to encourage Amy to find new friends, or join a church group. Ie, not just tell her it will get better, help her consider options to make it so.

 

None the less, you did the right thing.

 

 

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[fyrfyter]

I’m glad you at least said something. The emotional trauma of bullying like this is far more damaging than the physical aspect. It’s the unknown emotional trauma, that parents don’t see that ends up leading to things like suicide.

We don’t t know enough about it, but maybe what you did say will keep her from doing herself any harm.

She is going to have to figure out that these ***holes aren’t her friends.

I’d have left their crap in the middle of the park and gone by myself. Forget a locker.

I hate this entitlement BS coming out of the younger generation. We have two boys 6 & 2. We spend many days of summer at KI, since my 2 year old is tall enough for some adult rides and loves RFYLCB & Scrambler, and my 6 year old wants to ride everything, except for all the big coasters.

The only things they are entitled to is a safe and loving home, 3 meals a day and clothes, healthcare, and other necessities. They know that their behavior good or bad will dictate what other things they get to see and do.

They also know that if they act up in public, Dad will get in their face about it, regardless of where we are and they will stop.

They are taught to be friendly towards other kids and can find random people to play with in the park.

Obviously, not all parents follow through with this. They want to be their child’s friend first, when they should be the parent first.

You did what you could. Hopefully that’s enough.

[Tera Ryzing]

Starts with the parents.

[lifetimecoaster]

Your wife did the right thing. It's hard to watch someone go through that any time I see it, because I'm a product of bullying in high school. All you can really do to hopefully impact that is to talk to the one being bullied, listen, lend an ear, and offer suggestions to get out of that situation. Talking to the aggressors is only going to make her situation worse. She needs the spine to get herself out of that and on to better places. 

[shark6495]

Sadly it sounds like you all did the best you could. It’s tough to walk the line between over involved and not involved, especially when it’s not your kid. Short of contacting the other students parents or school the most you can do is listen to the one and try to help them see themselves as a person with value. Unfortunately an adult couple with a one time convo will not fix it but may start her down the right path.


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