I wanted my own beam o' mass doom, but settled for a small, green laser pointer.
Terpy: Inspiring! I don't know how else to put it.
Maybe I'm biased, because the park is in my hometown, so there's that much more wistfulness in my heart for it. Anyway, as for what what I'd say, I guess I'd brag up how Kings Island has been on two classic TV shows, with entire episodes written around it; the legacy of the Knievels; How it's been mentioned on Glee, CSI, etc. I'd talk about the park's pioneering superlatives (the new-coaster-era-kick-starting Racer, the door-kicking-down- for- record-breakers Beast, the push-the-inversion-limit Vortex), among many others.
Introduce them to the park like they're about to meet a legendary figure. In some ways, it really is.
For group #2, I'd just say, "Well, you've come to the right place! Let's start earning your coaster badges with a pleasant little stroll through that little path to the right of Slingshot..."